innocence.

I want to be innocent again. I want to look at someone and assume that they are a wonderful person that could brighten my life. I want to go back to the days when Christmas lights were blazing stars of bright hope. I want to go back to when the worst thing that could come at night was nightmares. The times when who I was wasn't because of things I've done. The days when I could simply just apologize and it would all go away. The world where rain on a window pane was a beautiful mystery, not a lonely reminder of who I should be. 

The worst part about it isn't the sadness though. It's the anger. It's the burning fury inside me that the mask I'm wearing isn't me, but I don't know how to get it off. Because maybe my past shouldn't define me. Maybe the fact that I've made mistakes and been a bad person shouldn't mean that's who I'll always be. Maybe I've changed, but it's under the mask and nobody can see it.

I wish I could backtrack. Turn around and say, no. Stop. This isn't me. These are my footprints, these are my past this is where I was before. But this is not me now. If you look back you see a different me in the pictures. Not the me that stands in front of you. Not the me where I'm different and the sun is shining and I'm okay and alive. And a good person.

I want innocence back.